Following months of this blog software crashing for no reason, I decided to change the format to WordPress. For years I have used and enjoyed the b2evolution software for my blogs.
However, this continued crashing has become unacceptable. It has only been happening to Inside My Mind, but not to From the Cornfield and Kernels From the Cornfield.
It is a mystery.
I have also switched both of those over to the WordPress software as well.
Hope you enjoy the new layout and continue to follow along delving into the light and dark of Mark.
UPDATE your bookmarks:
Inside My Mind: http://marksden.com/mind
From the Cornfield: http://fromthecornfield.com/cornfield
Kernels From the Cornfield: http://kernels.fromthecornfield.com/news
Starting off my third week in the Desert facing the reality of life as a 60-year-old male who happens to be gay. It is not an optimistic reality.
Trying to accept and deal with the reality that Iohn deserted me and no longer cares. Years ago I told him he was my last chance at romance. He said he knew. Now after I contracted histoplasmosis, lost function of my right lung, am no longer the man he met over 10 years ago, when there are no options or possibility of even finding a friend for conversation, Iohn says the feeling is gone and he can't get it back.
My health is improving since I made the exodus to the Desert. I am growing stronger every day. But none of that matters within the gay community.
I am 60. I am on a fixed and very limited income. I have health issues. Within the community the first fact is enough to sink me, but add the other two factors and I not only become invisible, but am perceived as dead.
Now if I had a fat bank account or if I were a celebrity, things would be different.
Foolishly I posted on Facebook that I was searching for a friend in my new town. I am not looking for a boyfriend or benefits, simply company, conversation, someone to have a cup of coffee. It is an exercise in futility.
Solitude is the reality I must accept and face.
To those who are in the straight community, it is impossible to understand. The best way to describe it would be that the situation is similar to children placing a parent in a nursing home then rarely if ever coming to visit.
What is feasible in the straight world is not in the gay world.
One online acquaintance keeps telling me to learn to live with and love my own company. I have done that for the majority of my life. That does not chase away the loneliness. That does not ease the heartache.
This Monday morning I sit in the Desert Mark's Den looking out at the mountains in the distance. Beyond those mountains lies my last hope, my last chance.
Combating the enclosing darkness becomes more strenuous, more difficult. How long before I am encompassed and engulfed by the black hole that moves ever closer?
So it is this start of another week.
And how is your Monday going?
Another sunny Sunday is upon us in the Desert. That is the natural course around here. Most days are always sunny. And I'm not talking, "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia".
There is a good possibility that later today there may be that rare weather event called a thundershower in the Desert. The barren ground will lap up the falling rain quickly. Unlike back in the Cornfield, however, it probably will not result in sauna-like conditions where the sweat pours off the body.
As I adapt to my new life, I also have moments of despair and depression. I do my best to fight back, but am not as successful as I wish. I try jokes about my situation to avoid voicing how much I hurt.
Speaking of hurt, since I have been settled the past two weeks, something that has not happened in 20 years as occurred. I have experience several days free of the pain and the detrimental effects of Horton's Syndrome or chronic cluster headaches. It has been awesome to have these days, such as today, to not be pushing the ignore button on the pounding, searing pain in my brain.
Yet one more reason that for my health, I am in the right place.
That's how it is going in the Desert this sunny Sunday.
And how is your Sunday going?
Has it only been two weeks ago today when I landed in what is now my home in the Desert?
The feeling is as if I have been living here for ages. Yet, the reality is today marks two weeks. I have settled in to this big house with relative ease. It does not exude a new place, but rather that with history and longevity.
For the four days now I have been in the house completely alone. With four bedrooms, two and a half baths, living room dining room, kitchen and den with the attached garage this is a lot of space for one person. Then you add the beautiful front porch, the patio and the balcony and it's like living in my own mansion.
Jokingly I posted an update on Facebook last night asking if there was a preferably male individual who would like to be my friend and keep me company. Being alone gets even lonelier with so much room and space. While done in jest, I really wish I did have someone to take the edge off.
Each day I continue to grow stronger. Each day my health seems to improve. Each day I am able to do more and more. Each day I am returning to the man I was before histoplasmosis attacked my lungs and body.
I am a realist. I know I'll never recover completely. I know I now have limitations. I know there will be those bad days.
Yet compared to life back in the Cornfield, life in the Desert is so much healthier and better for me.
Nothing on the agenda - as if there seldom is. Not until July 8 when I see my new medical provider at Live Oaks Family do I have anything on my schedule.
With a clear slate, I will plan to work on Cornfield to Desert, the novel I am writing. I will probably also watch TV and play Free Cell. Fun, fun, fun for me this last Saturday in June.
Well that's the way it is in the Desert with plenty of sunshine and mercury rising.
And how is your Saturday going?
Amazing, but as each day passes in the Desert I am growing stronger. My body is less frail than it was in the Cornfield. Things I was unable to do for myself before, now I can.
Physically all is looking up now that I have made the exodus from the Cornfield to the Desert. Mentally and emotionally are different stories. One moment I am doing well. The next moment darkness threatens to engulf me or heartache becomes nearly overwhelming.
Today, the US Supreme Court ruled that there is a constitutional right to dignity for all couples - whether opposite gender or same gender. Read my take on the ruling:
Catch the latest edition of Kernels From the Cornfield.
You never how life is going to go. All you can do as each day begins is to adapt and adjust to any curves that may come your way and do the best you can. Doesn't mean there will not be hiccups as you do what you can.
That's how this lazy Friday is going in the Desert.
So how is your TGIF going?
I am feeling and doing so much better now that I have moved to the Desert from the Cornfield. I breathe easier. I recover quicker. The winded moments are less severe. I am doing things I have not been able to do for over three years.
Is this the lull before the storm?
Last year every time I turned around I was finding myself in the hospital. It was not until the biopsy of my larynyx the end of August that I was properly diagnosed with what had destroyed my right lung and was causing my repeated trips to the hospital. The day after Labor I learned I had disseminated histoplasmosis. I have been on antifungals since then.
That discovery and treatment, however, did not keep me hospital free. I was back in the hospital twice in December and once in January of this year. But it was a new issue. For reasons unknown, I was experiencing SVT or supraventricular tachycardia. Not unknown for those with atrial fibrilation, but that was not my case. A heart catheter revealed that my cardio system was in fairly good shape. Though there was some minor blockage in one artery and slightly elevated bad cholesterol count.
My most recent tests came back unremarkable. In other words I was in good shape when it comes to my heart and cirulatory system.
Five months have passed since my last hospital stay. Less than a month has passed since I made the trek from the Cornfield to the Desert. Each day I seem to be improving. For the second night in a row I have not used my oxygen as I slept.
This was unheard of back in the Cornfield.
Still does not keep me from feeling a tad anxious. I do not see the doctor here in Laughlin until July 8. That is a full baker's dozen days from now. Prescriptions will be running out by then as well.
Is this the lull before the storm?
Speaking of storms, there is a chance of a thunderstorm in the Desert for Sunday.
Check out the latest edition of Kernels From the Cornfield, my daily take on the news.
That is how it is for me this Thursday.
And how is your Thirsty Thursday going?
Hump Day - now on a slide and descent toward the weekend. The adjustment to life in the Desert alone continues. But this sunny (seems it is always sunny) Wednesday finds me in a fairly good mood. Can't explain it, it just is.
Last night I went to bed without my oxygen. Figured I would see how I could do without it. Woke up this morning refreshed and unwinded.
Walked down the stairs to the kitchen to turn on the coffee maker. No issues with getting worn out or gasping for a few minutes. Perhaps I may be able to wean myself off the machine each night.
Have you noticed that Kernels From the Cornfield is back?
Kernels is my daily wrap-up and commentary on current events and the headlines. Check it out.
I continue to work on my novel, Cornfield to Desert - The Odyssey and Exodus. It is a semiautobiographical look at one man's journey from birth to the present.
My very talented daughter created the graphic for my effort. Need a graphic? Visit her website: http://haileyivy.com. You won't be disappointed.
I mentioned in a Facebook status update yesterday that living in this beautiful house in Laughlin brought up memories of those old movies where a starving artist or an aspiring author set-up work space in a house on a tropical island. Looking out from the patio especially, it so much has that look and feel.
God truly blessed me in opening the door for me to take up residence here.
Time to finish my coffee and do the first of four nebulizer treatments.
That's how things are going this midweek.
And how is your Hump Day?