Thunderstorms are in the forecast for this evening and Monday morning. From the throbbing in my head, my clusters have made it clear the the thunderstorms are already playing havoc on me. The clusters are not waiting for the meterologic storms to hit the area.

The agony of the sub-cu continues unabated. The hurt at times is as if the rib cage surrounding my bad, right lung has been broken or bruised. From the front to the back, my abdomen on the right is just plain hurtful.

I have fallen back on my efforts to quit smoking. While I had dropped to 6 a day, I am now climbing back up the scale of those smoked. A lot of that seems to be attributable to the stress and depression that keeps assaulting me.

While I do not have a persistent cough or what some call a smoker's cough, I do have coughing spells. The coughs are productive, getting out the infection from my lungs. That is the good side. The bad side is the coughing spells leave me feeling as if I have been drawn and quartered.

Not sure if I mentioned this, but I did get a script for an epi-pen the other day from my doctor. When I went to pick up my prescriptions, however, I had to pass on the epi-pen. Even with my Medicare Part D prescription plan, the cost was more that I can afford, $206. So, until miracle of miracles, I can find spare money to get the epi-pen. I will just have to take my chances as the stinging insects come out in force.

Don't get it and it's getting to be a real pain in my neck. The last few days every time I move over to sit in my recliner to eat and/or watch some television, I keep falling asleep. I've been napping an hour to two hours every day. When I awake my clusters make life almost unbearable. Not sure why I am dozing off so quickly. I have never been one to require much sleep nor have I ever been one prone to nap.

I am so tired of being sick, tired and depressed. Somthing needs to give. I put on a brave face. I try to stay upbeat. But I feel as if there is no reason to hope.

Can anyone tell me when will it end?

It doesn't happen all the time. It does happen enough to make it irritating to not be able to do easy tasks without becoming more of a chore than one reasonably would believe.

The worst seems to be the depression that has taken a life of its own. For no reason or no trigger I can pinpoint I often feel listless, sad, hurt, hopeless. Iohn has been my side through it all. I am appreciative, but feel alone at times. The loneliness dealing with the aggravation that I am not the man I use be has the clouds over-shadowing the sun.

Taking the trash out the other night turned into a breathless experience. I came back to the Den and collapsed in my chair. Weakened and trying to catch my breath over such a menial task.

The tightness of money flow also preys on my optimism. Not having the funds to spend an hour downstairs at Mickey's Bar & Grill or to go to Dairy Queen for an ice cream cold is so depressing. Going out to dinner is only a fantasy these days.

While I know my sons love and think of me, I seldom ever hear from either of them. But of course, I can't say much...the boys inherited that from me. I am not one to be that vocal or that outgoing with others including family either.

Saturday morning and drinking coffee. Trying to wrap my head around a plan for the day that will provide some uplift, but all I see is a day of boredom. Too difficult to go for a walk. So what have  I to look forward too on what will be a hot day with temps nearing 90?

Thinking of doing up a report, an entry on From the Cornfield, on where I stand and what I believe on the political spectrum. That should, if nothing else, give my brain an exeercise.

Trying to buck up, but it isn't working too well.

Adjustment is not that easy.

But with the weekend at hand, am I ready for it?

Is there the possibility that Iohn and I will make a trek tomorrow night downstairs to Mickey's Bar & Grill for karaoke?

Will the weekend be more of the same with me sitting in the Den, playing online and trying to find something to watch and listen to on television while Iohn is at work?

I know my sub-cu and the fluid sac on my right side at the bottom of and below my right lung continues to be an irritant and source of outright pain.

My eyes are scratchy and blurry. My clusters send out shockwaves of pain. My mood, my emotional state is sinking as depressive thoughts and feelings overtake me.

The weekend - just another 3 days of  boredom.

While I struggle to stay positive and adapt to my "new" life, I keep getting the nagging impression that I am not just losing the battle, but losing the war.

Yep, it's the weekend alright.

Perhaps the why is found in what I said to Iohn last night.

It's difficult for me to explain my frustration. I have been, except for the 17 days in the hospital, pretty well stuck up here in Mark's Den for 8 months now. We haven't been downstairs together forever. We can't afford to go out to eat like Ryans or Dennys or Applebees or Chilis. I'm just frustrated and can't really explain it. iReports helps, but doesn't really do it either.

I'm smoking in part out stressing out and being frustrated...don't know what to do or how to do anything. I know I should get it back down to 6 or so a day...but I feel so useless. I'm not really smoking, mostly have one in hand, take a puff and blow out immediately.

I am on my anti-depressant, but can't see where it is actually helping. Of course with my system, it may not be having any effect. Anti-depressants tend to target a chemical imbalance. Previously doctors have tried a variety of anti-depressants to no avail. Tests always indicated that my chemical imbalance was always in flux, changing from test to test. That is why for years I have not used any medication and worked on strengthening my ignore.

Then there is the fear, the anxiety, that I may fall into the trap that seems so rampant in today's society. I am anxious about retreating into escapism from facing reality by feeding myself pills to allow me not to deal. This escapism seems to have replaced baseball as the national past-time.

The cluster headaches run amok. The irritation, pain and discomfort from the sub-cu and fluid sac are hitting me with full force. My presumed occular histoplasmosis syndrome seems to be progressing as my eyes become less focused.

What am I to do?

How am I to remain positive?

Doctor Ajay Deshpande, my pulmonologist, told me yesterday not to worry about losing 2 pounds over the past month, even though I'm ravenous and eating everything I can put in my mouth. He said that how I feel and look were more important. He said I was looking more robust and appeared to being feeling so  much better than when I first came to see him.

But that reassurance doesn't help. I stil am upset over the weight loss. I still am skin and bones at 149 pounds.

How am I to remain sunny about my prognosis?

My life has changed. My right lung is no longer usable. It is not functioning. I will never be the same again. I will never be the man I once was.

I struggle.

I fight.

Is it a losing battle?

After over 2 months of not sleeping in my own bed, I was finally able last night to stretch out and sleep. Slowly I am getting back to "normal". There were the 17 days spent in a hospital bed followed by sleeping in my recliner in the month and 1 week I have been out of the hospital.

Each time I have tried over the last month to lay down in bed it has triggered a major coughing spell that didn't want to quit. I have been forced to sleep propped up in my recliner. That is until last night. Yesterday afternoon, I tried lying down and see if I could do it. It went off without incident. So, last night I was able to sleep soundly and stretched out in my own bed.

Today I have a follow-up visit with my pulmonologist, Dr. Ajay Deshpande. I definitely need to find out about this sub-cu and fluid sac at the bottom and below my right lung. It is more than just an irritant, it hurts most of the time.

Except for climbing the stairs and occasional extra movement, I have not had to worry about shortness of breath. I do not wheeze nor do I have a chronic cough. Yes, I cough from time to time, but not persistently as which would indicate a chronic variety. Iohn actually is closer to a chronic cough than I.

Over the last month, it has been relieving and refreshing to learn I can still sing. Music has always played such a big part in my life vocally. I wasn't sure with the loss of 1 lung and leaving me with only 1 functioning I could still sing. Singing for me is an escape, a stress reliever and 1 of the few things in life that brings me real joy and peace.

Iohn and I still haven't made it back downstairs to Mickey's Bar & Grill for karaoke, but we hope to do so soon. That will be the real test on my ability to still sing. If I can hold up for karaoke that will be a pleasure and thrill I can't explain.

Back from seeing the doctor. The news was good. I continue to improve. The chest x-ray was quite encouraging. The left lung is almost completely clear. The right lung...well, that one no need to talk about as it is gone, not usable. My blood oxygen level is staying at 99. Anything over 90 is good and mine stays above 95 all the time.

One slight down was learning after gaining back 5 pounds last month, I have lost 2 pounds this month. The doc told me not to worry about that. He said what is important is how I feel and how I look. He said that the improvement in my look from the drawn, disheveled state I was in has been replaced to one of looking more robust and healthier, even if I have lost 2 pounds.

So, a month and a half after surgery, I continue to improve. Not that each day is not a struggle. I still have to fight to keep my cigarette count low and battle to the point I can eventually quit. Getting there, but not yet.

Every day is a new adventure in Mark's Den and when I journey out into the Cornfield.

Each time I have tried over the last month to lay down in bed it has triggered a major coughing spell that didn't want to quit. I have been forced to sleep propped up in my recliner. That is until last night. Yesterday afternoon, I tried lying down and see if I could do it. It went off without incident. So, last night I was able to sleep soundly and stretched out in my own bed.

Today I have a follow-up visit with my pulmonologist, Dr. Ajay Deshpande. I definitely need to find out about this sub-cu and fluid sac at the bottom and below my right lung. It is more than just an irritant, it hurts most of the time.

I will also be talking to the doctor about an epi-pen as stinging insects are coming back which are a mortal threat to me. Also on deck is asking about the cellulitis on my right foot that appears to be growing slightly.

Except for climbing the stairs and occasional extra movement, I have not had to worry about shortness of breath. I do not wheeze nor do I have a chronic cough. Yes, I cough from time to time, but not persistently as which would indicate a chronic variety. Iohn actually is closer to a chronic cough than I.

Over the last month, it has been relieving and refreshing to learn I can still sing. Music has always played such a big part in my life vocally. I wasn't sure with the loss of 1 lung and leaving me with only 1 functioning I could still sing. Singing for me is an escape, a stress reliever and 1 of the few things in life that brings me real joy and peace.

Iohn and I still haven't made it back downstairs to Mickey's Bar & Grill for karaoke, but we hope to do so soon. That will be the real test on my ability to still sing. If I can hold up for karaoke that will be a pleasure and thrill I can't explain.

Before he has to go into work today at 5, Iohn is taking me to the doctor. He also will be taking care of few other things around the house and while waiting for my appointment to be completed.

But the best thing about today is that I woke in my own bed for the first time in over 2 months.

Life is getting back to normal.

For me to have slept so late is far removed from the norm. It makes life difficult on me. When I sleep as I did this morning, my cluster headaches play havoc with my system as they are doing now. The pain is searing. I have to fight to keep the clusters from being debilitating.

I become sluggish and difficult to focus my mind on what is and what is not. I have trouble removing the cobwebs of slumber to allow me to greet and meet the day.

It was not the most restful of nights either. It is bad enough I am still sleeping in my recliner, unable to stretch out in my bed yet. The loss of my right lung is causing me to make many changes. But last night most of the night my rest was disrupted as the coughing spells, mostly unproductive, kept me from deep sleep.

Now I am behind my normal schedule. The coffee is not quite doing it yet. I have to get on with it.

On Mondays I put out my weekly National Snapshot of gas prices across the nation. Here it is now nearly 1:30 p.m. and I haven't compiled the data yet. I also do up my weekly standings of the presidential race and where the main contenders stand...and yet, I have yet to get that update going.

Sleeping so late puts me so far behind not sure if I will meet myself coming and going.

Time to get my head together. Start my tasks at hand. Get moving and trying to catch up as well as I can.

There are two primary elections tomorrow. I have to sift through the information, news sources and feeds to determine my view of how the outcome will be and post that as well.

So much to do and the day more than half through its cycle.

Plus I have to prepare for my follow-up tomorrow with my pulmonologist, Dr. Ajay Deshpande. Definitely have to have give me some answers about the sub-cu and fluid sac at the bottom and below my right lung which continues to cause pain and discomfort.

Enough procrastinating. Time to get busy.

At least Iohn is off today and taking care of preparing brunch and dinner.

I join in this celebration of Moms. I offer this to my own Mom, my daughter-in-law Anna - who gave me my sweet granddaughter Dlyan and has one on the way - my sister Leticia, my ex-wives Luann and Cathie who gave me my two great sons, my aunts, my grandmother and to all Moms in the world: Happy Mother's Day! May your day be filled with love, joy and peace.

My own Mom became a mother at 17 with my birth. She struggled and did her best to be that woman who could make her children proud to call her Mom and to have the respect and appreciation of her three sons and daughter all these decades since.

She was determined not to be the mother she had had, who was not that maternal and viewed child rearing as a hands-off necessity. Over the years, Mom evolved, grew and developed her mothering abilities. Between the time I was born and 20 years after when my sister was born, her views and how she met the challenges of motherhood changed. She learned from her trial and error with me and my brothers.

Moms and Dads are not given training manuals. It is truly an on-the-job learning process. Some succeed. Some fail. Most have a combination of both success stories and those stories they would rather forget.

Some Moms work outside the home. Some Moms ply their trade never leaving the homefires even for short periods of the day. Both types of Moms are burdened and at the same time readily embrace the ups and downs that motherhood brings. Whether Homemakers or working Mom, there is joy, there is pain, there is pride, there is shame. Being a Mom is most of the time a thankless and yet so rewarding proposition.

The value of a Mom can never be fully assessed or appreciated. Yes, there are those Mothers who fail in being maternal. But on this day, it is those Moms full of maternalism we celebrate. We don't look at those who do not live up to their responsibilities and privilege of knowing the joy of motherhood, it is the billions of Moms who embrace motherhood and who, for good or bad, shape the man or woman their young charges become.

To every Mom, whoever you are, where ever you are, may you feel the love and know you are special. May you know that the writer was right that it's the hand that rocks the cradle who truly is in control of the world in which we live.

From Mark's Den and the Cornfield, again may I offer Happy Mother's Day!