Cloud Shrouded Desert Moon

Following Thursday’s sandstorm, loss of electricity for a short while and a smattering of rain, the moon came out full and bright though shrouded in clouds.

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July Comes to an End

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This Friday, July comes to an end. A hot August lies ahead. Temps are expected to soar to 120 this coming first week.

Humidity in the Desert was 55% when I rose this morning. I could really feel the pressure. Compared to being back in the Cornfield, however, I can deal with and recover from the humidity much quicker and easier. I am not having to constantly push my ignore button.

A sandstorm rolled through our portion of the Colorado River valley yesterday afternoon. The winds were something else, bending trees which sprang back like a slinky. From my vantage point in the Desert Mark’s Den in Canyon Terrace, usually the valley below is very visible, including the river and Bullhead City and Fort Mohave, Arizona. Yesterday all was obscured by the sandstorm.

View my video from yesterday: Desert Sandstorm.

After not being able to publish and edition of Kernels on Wednesday due to upgrading my operating system from Windows 7 to Windows 10, a new edition for Thursday is out!

Kernels – Thursday, July 30, 2015.

The blue moon showed before I retired last night. I did get pictures which I will be uploading a bit later today.

How I managed to make it through the month is a mystery. Well, maybe not. I know that but for the grace of God, I would not have come to this last day in July.

That’s the way it is this last day of July in the Desert.

And how is your Friday going?

 

 

Desert Sandstorm

This afternoon, whipping over the mountains from the south, east and west, winds of 50 to 60 miles per hour stirred up the Desert earth. No, it was not a haboob, but it was definitely a sandstorm.

The dust-up came ahead of the spattering of rain which followed a short time later. Earlier thunderstorms had caused flash floods in the Arizona Mohave Valley east of the mountains and in San Bernadino County west of Needles, California.

Will another monsoon follow later tonight?

Threats of thunderstorms will persist through the weekend.

In the video you can see the valley below obscured by the blowing sand. Later you can see the rain coming down heavy across the Colorado River in Bullhead City and Fort Mohave, Arizona. Here in Laughlin, it was not much more than sprinkles.

Clouds for the Midweek

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Woke to a beautiful morning with a blue sky with a smattering of clouds. The clouds added an extra allure and almost had a fall-like quality.

As has become routine since I arrived in the Desert, Wednesdays means a trip down the road to Live Oak Family Medicine to have my finger stuck and an INR performed. Being on Coumadin since I can’t take Xeralto while I am on the antifungal to treat and cure my body of histoplasmosis, I have been having to have my blood thickness checked almost every week. Last week it was a little too thin. Hopefully it will be at the right level today.

Depression ebbs and flows, day by day and moment by moment. Today I am in between feeling so-so and as if a tidal wave is about to sweep me out to sea.

Delving into the current political scene and recapping the daily headlines and current events is one way in which I cope. The activity gives me something to do. It helps to keep my mind off my broken heart and my always on the edge financial reality.

For my friends and neighbors living in the Tri-State of Arizona, California and Nevada – or as I call it the Desert – are invited to participate in my Desert Presidential Preference Poll between now and Sunday.

That’s the way it is the Wednesday in the Desert Mark’s Den.

And how is your Hump Day going?

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Colors Are Alive!

marksdeninsidemymindAs most of you know, last weekend we had a double whammy with a monsoon on Friday and again on Saturday. The one on Saturday was a real tyrant. Uprooting trees, washing cars into casino doors, mud and little rocks covering the road ways and even resulting in having to boil water until Tuesday.

But there is an upside.

The rains brought the Desert alive with color.

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Ups and Downs

marksdeninsidemymindLiving with major depression can be a real strength zapper. One moment you are up and the next you are down. At times it is worse than a rollercoaster ride. In my case even worse since riding on a rollercoaster or any ride leaves me nauseous or even finding myself bending over as soon as I can get off.

I have been known to get sick swinging in a swing or rocking in a rocker. Time after time as a child, my parents would have to pull to the side of the road to allow me to rid my innards. Sadly, my youngest son, Kev, is also afflicted with easy motion sickness.

Although today is another beautiful day in paradise here in the Desert, I woke up to a cloudy mood inside the Desert Mark’s Den. The good news of yesterday has been covered by a swirling whirlpool of doubt and pessimism. Not that I did or thought anything to bring it on, the depressive aura grasped me as my eyes opened and I crawled out of bed.

Nearly five hours later, the sun has yet to break through. I look in the mirror say this is a great day. Tell myself there’s nothing that can bring me down as I look up trying to see bottom.

That’s the way it is this Tuesday as I attempt to climb out of the valley to the foot of the mountain.

And how is your second day of the week going?

Going It Alone

marksdeninsidemymindIf I am to believe and follow what my horoscope for today tells me, I must accept that I must fly solo, go it alone. I cannot hold out hope that I will have someone by my side through life.

Of course none of us are truly ever alone. God is always with us whether we realize it or not, acknowledge it or not.

Here is the horoscope:

“People just don’t seem to understand your motives today. You have an abundance of great ideas and plenty of energy while the reflective Moon is camping out in your inspirational sign. In fact, you may be climbing so high in the atmosphere now that you must fly solo because no one can keep up with you. Stop trying to include others on your adventure; you’ll soar to greater altitudes than ever before when you accept that you’re on your own. The sky is the limit if you are brave enough to go it alone.”

What do you think about this?

God does answer prayer. Not always do we get the answer we are looking for, but there is an answer. Even when in the way we look at things, it is an unanswered prayer, that is also an answer.

My Open Prayer to God has been answered. He is keeping an eye on me as He does the sparrow. The financial situation is being resolved bit by bit. I now have access electronically to my account with the credit union. The ability to take care of what I must is occurring with a landlord that is willing to work with me as well.

Some may scoff. Some may deny. But I am proof of God’s benevolence and guidance.

That’s the way this new week is starting for me in the Desert.

And how is your Monday going?

Debating Myself

marksdeninsidemymind

Woke at 6 a.m. to another glorious Sunday in my Desert paradise. The mercury has risen to 104, but feels like 98. The humidity is a beneficial 9%.

Writing late this afternoon as I have been in a debate with myself. I have been debating whether to post to Inside My Mind or not. I have been debating whether to comment on or like any posts on Facebook. I have been debating whether to comment on or favorite any reports on CNN’s iReport citizen journalism site.

Though I am having this debate with myself, I am committed to each Monday through Friday doing Kernels From The Cornfield. Kernels is my daily recap of the headlines and current events with a jigger of my perspective thrown in to help make the medicine go down. Sorry, Mary Poppins, no sugar in Kernels, but a dash of spice will do the trick.

My Open Prayer to God, I continue to pray and seek guidance and answers. It seems anyone else bother to view or read my post.

My for-the-fun-of-it President Preference Poll ends at 6 p.m. (PT) today. There has been some interest and some people voting, but not as many as I wish could be generated. Results will be released tomorrow afternoon.

So, Self, what are you going to do?

That’s the way it is this sunny Sunday in the Desert.

And how is your Lord’s Day faring?

An Open Prayer to God

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My Dear Heavenly Father,

I am so thankful for Your love, Your mercy and Your grace. Thank You for all You have done for me and all You are doing for me.

Thank You, dear Lord, for bringing me safe thus far. There have been ups and downs as I have traveled down life’s road, but whenever I was unable to go on due to some obstacle, You were there to either help me plow through, go around or climb over.

At times You directed me to go back and take a detour, but You have always been there and are here now.

Forgive me of my sins and trespasses. Keep guide and direct me. Let me walk where You would have me to walk, talk what You would have me to talk and be what You would have me to be. Lord, not my will, but Thine.

Well, God, I am at one of those forks in the road again. Neither fork looks like the way to go. There are roadblocks setup a few feet away down both pathways. I am at an impasse and don’t know what to do.

No matter which way I go there are some financial issues that are gumming up the engine and causing it to sputter and at the point of dying. So God, there is no place else to turn and no one else on whom I can rely.

Being omniscient, God, You know that the credit union is blocking access to what little funds I have. You know I have been trying to resolve the issue to no avail. Thank You for persuading Iohn to reimburse me that $70 today and putting it on the personal loan he took out. Apparently that was not good enough to release my ATM access to get the $20 or $30 out that I have left to get some groceries, refill a prescription and buy some gasoline.

I did send two secure emails to the credit union. Unfortunately the bank was closed. I will have to wait until Monday and hope the issue can be resolved.

The way things stand at the moment, come August 3rd, my payday, to get any access to my account, I will need $415 for my car, even though I explained it I would pay a little on the one month missed as I could, but stay current on the monthly due.

On the personal loan, at this time I will have to come up with about $200, even though all that should be due is $90, though it would be a month behind.

God, that is about $600 out of my check.

You know I have lost the QMB assistance from the State of Indiana, which means my check will be $105 less this month, if and until the State of Nevada decides it will provide QMB.

So after I take care of the car and the personal loan, I will have about $400 left.

For rent, I will need $650 which includes $150 towards deposit. This puts me already $250 in the hole.

Then I have to change the plates on the car and get a new license, which is another $250. That puts me at $500 in the hole.

I haven’t even talked about a phone bill of $53, car insurance of $71 and my hosting which is another $15. In other words that’s another $140 to add to the $500 in the hole or $640 total.

Then there is the issue of gas for the car, refills of medicines, any co-pays for medical tests or doctor’s visits.

Thanks, God, for getting me OK’d for a food box or two from the food bank each month…even though I have to wait until the middle to end of August for that.

God, what am I to do?

Yes, I do remember how you sent the raven to feed Elijah all those years. Yes, there are plenty of ravens here in the Desert. I know You can, but like Thomas I am a little doubting that You will send a raven with nearly a thousand dollars to help me out.

Yes, God, I remember the song You gave me from the psalm by David:

“I’ve never seen the righteous forsaken or his seed out begging bread.”

Yes, dear Lord, you have been feeding me.

Yes, dear God, I remember where I was living in the small two-bedroom duplex with bugs we could not eradicate. Yes, I realize that after spending a week in that cheap motel, You touched a heart and now I am living in a beautiful, four-bedroom house with full access, fully furnished, all utilities, satellite and internet included. Thank you, Lord, for providing.

I know, my God, I am where I should be with You putting me in this place.

My health is so much better. My strength has and is returning. Though I still do not have the voice I had nor can I yet sing, You have put me in a place where I can heal.

But God, what am I to do about the daunting financial sea of red ahead of me?

God will you send me a Moses with a staff to part that sea of red ink as you did the water-filled Red Sea for the Israelites fleeing Egypt?

All I know, God, it is beyond my ability.

I must lean on Your everlasting arms.

God it’s in Your hands.

Jesus, You got the wheel.

This I humbly pray in the precious name of Jesus, my Lord and Savior.

Why Keep Fighting?

marksdeninsidemymind

At times it seems I have been fighting and struggling all my life. I always tend to come up short and marking up another fail. The list continues to grow longer and longer.

Come the end of September and start of October, it will be four years that I have fought daily with the histoplasmosis which destroyed my right lung and resulted in COPD and chronic bronchitis. This a merry-go-round of in and out of the hospital. Last year I spent four months total in Regional.

There were a couple of times, most recently, Christmas week, I thought for sure it was my last trip. I thought for sure I would wake in the Great Beyond. But since my last hospital visit the middle of January of this year, I have grown stronger and getting back to the man I once was.

The exodus from the Cornfield to the Desert has made that struggle and fight easier. I have been breathing better. I have been able to do things I could not do in Indiana. All of this while coping with Iohn leaving me after being together for nearly 10 1/2 years.

When I left that Thursday night in June, I was not sure where I would land. There were a couple of stressful and frightening events along the way. One in Williams, Arizona I thought for sure I would have to call an ambulance and go in the hospital. But I survived and made it to the Desert.

A week in a cheap motel in Kingman, Arizona before God smiled on me. After placing an ad on Craig’s List I received an email and then text about the place I now call the Desert Mark’s Den in Laughlin, Nevada. While I am technically renting the master bedroom, I have full run and use of the 4-bedroom house.

The house is so much more than anything I have had in my whole life. As Matt said last Saturday when we went to explore Oatman, Arizona, I struck gold in Nevada with my current domicile.

But the future is not looking well for August.

The situation with theĀ  credit union seems to be getting worse, not better. I am 2,000 away. I can not go in person to resolve any issues nor access my money. My money is there, but I can’t access electronically…only in person. I am stranded.

Iohn did come through today with what he still owed me. But it was not good enough. I have no access and no recourse until I can call on Monday. In the meantime, I go without money, without food, without gas, without a refill on one of my medicines.

Iohn, who has had a split from the woman he left me for, offered for me to come back to the Cornfield and share the 2-bedroom cottage it looks like he wil be renting. Come back, but as roommates only.

Financially, it might be a good move. My physical health would suffer. My emotional and mental health would most likely worsen. But I would have a room over my head, food, my meds, gas and could straighten out the bank mess.

As it is with the bank situation, I may not have money for rent next month. I may not be able to access the ATM and get money to drive back to Indiana or across the street. I may be living out of my car with nowhere to park it.

So I ask, why keep fighting?

It would be so much easier and better if the Good Lord would take me home and out of this world.

What good am I?

What purpose do I serve?

What legacy can show except one of failure?

Why keep fighting?