The slump, the slide down hill gets steeper this gorgeous morning in the Desert. Alas, the beauty of the day cannot raise my mental state from the gloomy weather raging inside my mind.
Difficult to believe this is the last day of September. This year is sailing by so quickly.
I misheard Iohn when he called Monday morning to say he had filed for divorce. Instead of the papers arriving in the mail for me to sign within five to 10 days, it will be 10 to 15 days.
The reality that our decade-long relationship is over is adding to my malaise. But I knew it was coming. I knew I had no choice, but to move on with my life.
Payday is a few days away now. Not that it really matters as I will be broke within minutes, hours of going to the ATM. That reality is also depressing.
The miracle, the answer I have waited for has yet to come. My personal deadline is Monday.
Focus remains a hurdle as it does most days. Focus is needed to allow me to not only manage through my personal life, but also as I read through all the various news feeds to allow me to recap the headlines and current events.
Some days I can sail right through writing my Kernels From the Cornfield. Other days it takes forever as my mind has trouble with focus.
Lethargy is taking over along with antipathy on this magnificent Tuesday morning in the Desert. The lethargy is so encompassing of my body, my mind I feel I have been encapsulated like a cocoon around a larva.
One answer to my prayers has come. It is a resounding, “No.” This means I have decisions to make as I wait for the rest of the answers.
Focus is difficult early today. My eyes are heavy. My mind is filled with clouds.
Chooey is laying on my lap. Soon he will be off in Nap Land.
Doing my best to listen to the news from CNN playing out in the background. Not all the words are coming across as coherent, but rather in mumbles.
The reality is setting in following Iohn calling to tell me he has now filed for divorce. Papers should arrive in the mail within five to 10 days.
Some how I must pull myself together. Some way I must find the strength to keep up the struggle.
That’s the way it is this second day of the week and next to last day of September in Mark’s Den.
Iohn filed for divorce back in the Cornfield this morning. I should have the paperwork within 10 to 15 days, he said.
And so it ends.
Over a decade of friendship comes to a close with nothing to show.
Naturally this feeds into the depression which has held me captive for over a month now. The gloom and despair is closing in on this start of another week that leads to the end of the month and the beginning of a new month.
Some how, some way I must muster the strength, the fortitude to keep moving. Now is no time to give in to the darkness.
That’s the way it is this last start to a week in September.
Redundancy has become the norm as I wake each morning and describe the beauty of each day in the Desert.
But how else can I describe the allure when I am dwelling in a slice of paradise?
Over the years in describing my struggles with my conditions, I have also been guilty of redundancy. Yet when the same battles occur over and over again, redundancy becomes the normal.
This also can lead to a certain monotony and tedium.
On this glorious Saturday in the Desert, I once more wake to an awe inspiring morning as the sun creeps over the mountains and rays highlight the clouds and the sky.
The mercury reading is mild at 84 degrees and a real feel of 82. The humidity, which I can feel the pressure, is at 29%. Earlier it was 34%.
The wonder of the valley below cut from the mountains as the Colorado River wound its way from the north toward the sea is breathtaking. The “purple mountains majesty” gives one pause that truly “there must be a God somewhere” as the old hymn proclaims.
While I sip my coffee on the patio, as Chooey scampers and explores the yard, I breathe it all in and exhale my wonderment of the creation I see.
Inside My Mind, the dark clouds swirl and threaten another storm. I push back. I know soon a new battle will ensue.
So it is this last Saturday in September, 2015 at Mark’s Den.
My mind, my body, my senses all seem to be on overload this last Friday in September. That is not in a good way.
My mind has thoughts of the dire and the dark running through it. My body is wracked in pain and agony as my conditions attack. My senses are reacting and picking up the most nuanced sentiment, touch, feeling.
I look to the heavens. I seek for an answer. I ask for a miracle.
I look toward the hills, the mountains, from whence comes my help and I wait. That help has yet to appear.
Less than a week remains. Less than 120 hours remain until the answer I seek must arrive. The answer may not be the one I wish, but an answer will arrive I am certain.
This Friday, though another day in paradise, I am feeling as if I cam adrift upon the sea of life. I am floundering in waves that would pull me under.
I must hold on. I must not quit. The battle must wage.
That’s the way it is for me in Mark’s Den on this Friday in the Desert.
Often when I pray the answer seems to either never come or takes forever to be delivered. We have all been there. Most of us realizes when an answer does not come the answer is no or not at this time.
Those are easy to understand, though perhaps difficult to accept at times. It is the delayed answers which can be most frustrating.
So it is on this Thursday, I wait and wait and wait some more for an answer to a prayer request which I submitted months ago. I know there is an answer coming. I have that feeling. It is not the straight out no answer, but a nuanced answer which I will have to parse and ponder.
The cluster headaches are putting extra pressure on my internal ignore this wonderful day in the Desert. The pain is excruciating at times.
I have yet to climb out of the sea of despair and depression which surround me. The undertow is doing its best to pull me under. I fight back. I struggle.
Thus it is this last Thursday in September in Mark’s Den.
And how is your Thursday going?
Looking back over the years for #ThrowBackThursday:
Rose this morning to the horror of 61% humidity. For most people this is of no consequence. For someone like me the impact on my breathing ability was more than noticeable.
The reading was on par with humidity back in the Cornfield. Yet, shockingly, I was not experiencing the difficulty I thought I would have with the percentage above the fiftieth percentile.
The mercury was at a mild 86 degrees. A slight breeze blew through the patio. The sky is overcast with the threat of rain throughout the day.
What is slightly irritating is that the DirecTv signal is lost at the moment. Apparently the clouds are blocking the satellite signal. That means no listening and watching CNN this morning.
At least the internet provider is providing to allow me to gather the headlines and current events to write Kernels From the Cornfield later today.
September will soon be gone. But October and payday are still too far away for my liking. You do what you have to do.
My conditions continue to plague me. I did not want anyone to think I have been healed and no longer suffering. I am pressing my internal ignore on a daily basis. The most troubling at this point in time is the depression which bombards my system constantly.
That’s the way it is this Tuesday morning in Mark’s Den.
Summer, 2015, has come and gone. Autumn is now here. The leaves are changing and the mercury has dropped in the Cornfield. Here in the Desert, humidity is up and the temperature is nowhere near the highs of the summer.
Nope, none I see in the Desert yet. Yet, as I wrote a week or so ago, there is that feel of fall in the air.
This is also the start of another week. A week that will be more of the same. A week where I am holding out for my miracle. A week where life will be up and down as is every week.
Trying to keep a lid on the depression, but it keeps boiling over like a pot on the stove. Forget about a pressure cooker with its pop-off valve. That would turn into an explosion as my system turned into a raging, spewing volcano.
Guess my ignore will get overtime.
That’s the way it is this first day of the new week in Mark’s Den.