What if I breathed my last breath tonight?
Would there be any significant change in the world or in life for those who know me or love me?
Would it be relief or sadness or a combination of both?
Would anyone really care that my life had finally reached a conclusion?
I am sure Iohn will be elated that his car loan is paid off and the personal loan we have. I am sure he will be happy that he will not be stuck with the loan on my car as it will be paid off as well. The cost of a divorce will be gone as he will be widower.
Yet I am equally certain Iohn will survive and continue to climb the mountains of life. He will forget the time we spent together, our marriage and my memory.
For my Mother, it will be relief. Her obligation to love and support her oldest child who has languished in illness for nearly two decades will be over. The disappointment of a man who failed at everything will become just a memory which will fade with time.
For my Father, it will barely register. He will display the obligatory sadness that his oldest child has passed on. He will be relieved to no longer have to admit that such a poor excuse for a man was his son.
For my brothers and sister, they can breathe a sigh of relief. They no longer have the embarassment of the weird sibling.
This brings me to my two sons.
The oldest son pretty much won’t notice. He will no longer have to pretend he has a father out there.
For my youngest son there will be feelings of grief, but at the same time relief. My youngest son will no longer have to hide because he can’t bear to watch his father joust at windmills and lose all the time.
My granddaughters will not even know. In years they may be told they had a Grandpa and that’s about it.
For both the daughters-in-law, they will no longer have to be polite to the Old Man.
At my funeral, I am sure my Mother and Father will be there, more out of obligation than anything. One of my brothers and my sister may or may not show up. I can’t blame them after all I have only been a shame to them.
I am not sure if the daughters-in-law will allow my sons to attend. My youngest son with his sensitivity may find it impossible to deal and just stay in Texas. My oldest son may not come because of the hardship and difficulty in taking time off from work, if his wife allows.
The two mothers of my sons and Iohn may very well be there. Not out of grief or respect, but to make sure I’m really dead. I am sure the women and Iohn would love the opportunity to dance on my grave.
There will be no other impact on the world.
No one will notice.
No one will care.
I have left no footprint behind.
History will point to me as the type of life that should have never been. I will be used as an example for genetic selection. Genetic selection to determine which child to keep and which to end prior to birth. A child with my genetic makeup will find its way into the waste bin.
Yes, what if I breathed my last breath tonight?