Inside My Mind

More than a half century ago, I made my triumphant debut into the world. With lots of great expectations, my birth was greeted by my parents and grandparents. Those expectations, unfortunately, were never fulfilled nor as I am now in the second half of the century will inevitably remain unfilled.

Growing up the son of a preacher and a preacher's daughter, traveling and living in five states, I had my share of goals, of dreams, of hopes and my own expectations. But now at 55 I see my dreams fade into the mist. Soon those dreams will not even be a memory, lost in time. Chance of fulfilling even one dream or seeing even a glimpse becoming reality is nil to zero.

Hopes of writing the next great American novel have been dashed by reality. Hopes of recording a hit song have been crushed by realization of fantasy made to appear attainable. Hopes of writing a song that would be immortalized in the annals of the Hall of Fame fell off a cliff into the abyss. Hopes of becoming financially independent fell victim to my medical condition. Hopes of being a good father shattered with marriage failure after marriage failure. Hopes of being a good friend and lover destroyed by my own ineptitude in those arenas.

So now this Saturday morning looking around at the shambles of my life that comprise the furnishings of the Den what have I left to aspire to achieve? What hope, what dream can I retain? Ability fails me. Intellect comes up short. Health gives me pause as once again I lose my equilibrium and crash to the floor.

My legacy will be an example of who not to be and of how not to live or love. Perhaps at least I will serve as a warning to others to not make the foolish mistakes that I have repeated over and over again.

For now, as darkness closes in here within the Den, dreams fade into the mist.