Inside My Mind

Before I begin let me state the purpose of this post is not to have a pity party or to wallow in the mud. I know there are those who can not understand the depth of my condition or the effects that it has on me and how devastating it can be. If it were just a matter of looking at the glass half full that would be easy. If it were a matter of medication that would be easy. Unfortunately optimism nor drugs as an impact on my condition. It is beyond my control.

A few months ago I was subjected to a situation that cut deeply and left me publicly humiliated. How can I begin to express or explain what humiliation can do to a person...and more so with one that suffers with my condition. The humiliation leaves a very real and very sharp cutting gash in my psyche and my emotional state. The humiliation is such that I have in a sense developed agoraphobia or a fear of the outdoors. But it's not the outdoors or the wide open spaces rather the fear is to mix and be seen by other human beings. I have a fear of being once again subjected to humiliation if I dare to venture out where other people gather or may be. It so bad that I have to force myself to even go to the grocery store.

The humiliation has left me devastated. My desire to attempt to live a life filled with contact with others has been killed. My fear is that I will be rejected, be humiliate again, be subject to ridicule and derision.

So here this Memorial Day weekend I sit in the Den not wanting to venture past my front door. I sit with the sun shining brightly outside in a room filled with gloom and darkness.

My financial dilemma grows worse each day. The steep climb from the pit I have fallen is insurmountable. Each pull upward causes me to slide 4 steps farther down. Instead of gaining or rising I sink much deeper into the abyss.

How Iohn can tolerate or deal with me in my condition is beyond me. He at least does have another job now. But, even though he is once more working, it will take years to emerge from the quagmire we became immersed while he was without a check.

I can't bear to show my face. I can't bear to talk on the phone. I can't bear to have human contact. The humiliation caused a deep affect. Not sure when I will ever be able to rise again.