Inside My Mind

I remember writing at the end of 2009 and the start of 2010 how that there was no way that 2010 could be even half as bad as 2009. How wrong I was. With half the year nearly complete, 2010 has proven to be even more disastrous, more damaging, more devastating that could have ever been imagined.

Take all of 2009 and multiply the harm, the bad times by 100 fold and you will almost get the severity of desolation and horror that 2010 has produced during this first 6 months. And at this time, there is not even a twinkle of any light at the end of the dark tunnel in which I have found myself.

Death is looking more and more appealing as each day passes. I have to fight with myself to keep from ending the misery, the pain, the sorrow, the utter despair. Not a day goes by that I don't wish for that bee or wasp to wreak its destruction.

I have tried to express to Iohn, to Kev, to my parents the state I am in and how far into the pit I have fallen. But it seems that none of them are grasping the desperation I am feeling, experiencing, living. None of them seem to know how much I am struggling to maintain my sanity.

I am at the end of the rope. My grasp is growing weaker with each passing moment. I need relief. I need some reason to stop the decline into oblivion. I ask for it, but no one answers. No one provides a logical, foreseeable, tangible response to keep fighting.

As I sit here in the Den, typing on the keyboard, looking around me, I can see no way this year can end on a high note. To me it appears that 2010 will be the year that finally does me in.

Without a miracle this week, I am not sure if there will ever be another entry in my blog. I am not sure that I will make it to Kev's wedding. I am not sure I will see another grandchild. I am not sure I will have a roof over my head, food to eat, electricity to power my computer, TV, air conditioner.

Only a miracle can change where this is all headed. Only a miracle can provide the relief so desperately needed. Only a miracle...