Inside My Mind

More than a half century ago, I made my triumphant debut into the world. With lots of great expectations, my birth was greeted by my parents and grandparents. Those expectations, unfortunately, were never fulfilled nor as I am now in the second half of the century will inevitably remain unfilled.

Growing up the son of a preacher and a preacher's daughter, traveling and living in five states, I had my share of goals, of dreams, of hopes and my own expectations. But now at 55 I see my dreams fade into the mist. Soon those dreams will not even be a memory, lost in time. Chance of fulfilling even one dream or seeing even a glimpse becoming reality is nil to zero.

Hopes of writing the next great American novel have been dashed by reality. Hopes of recording a hit song have been crushed by realization of fantasy made to appear attainable. Hopes of writing a song that would be immortalized in the annals of the Hall of Fame fell off a cliff into the abyss. Hopes of becoming financially independent fell victim to my medical condition. Hopes of being a good father shattered with marriage failure after marriage failure. Hopes of being a good friend and lover destroyed by my own ineptitude in those arenas.

So now this Saturday morning looking around at the shambles of my life that comprise the furnishings of the Den what have I left to aspire to achieve? What hope, what dream can I retain? Ability fails me. Intellect comes up short. Health gives me pause as once again I lose my equilibrium and crash to the floor.

My legacy will be an example of who not to be and of how not to live or love. Perhaps at least I will serve as a warning to others to not make the foolish mistakes that I have repeated over and over again.

For now, as darkness closes in here within the Den, dreams fade into the mist.

Another Monday has dawned in the cornfield. With the start of yet another week prospects remain dim to non-existent. There have been some encouraging developments.

Iohn has landed a job with Pizza Hut in Linton. He is to call to get his schedule later this afternoon. The job he secured a couple of weeks ago with Rescare, based out of Terre Haute with a position in a house in Sullivan, has been put on hold until at least June 1. To start with Rescare, Iohn will need to complete the course and test for his GED. Once he has his GED certificate, he can change careers. Until then, he will have to settle for Pizza Hut.

The wireless antenna was a victim of a power surge and outage a couple of weeks back. A replacement antenna will arrive some time today. Once re-installed, we will once again have WiFi available here in Dugger. At the present time, WiFi and the few customers who are using it have not had access to the web.

Financially, we continue in a downward spiral. It will talk months, perhaps a year or longer to dig out.

Mentally, I'm nearly beyond the point of rescue. Hospitalization may be my only option.

Where is a bee or a wasp when I need one?

I am ready to just disappear. Chuck it all in and say farewell. If by some miracle, I can find a way, I will be out of here into oblivion.

Another Monday, but what good or what it portends is yet to be seen.

Why bother any more. I need to just accept reality and give up. There is no hope for someone like me. I just keep going deeper and deeper in the hole as each day passes by. There is no light. There is no silver lining. There is no calm only the storm.

Best thing for everyone is if I just get out of everyone's life, everyone's thoughts, everyone's worry. Nothing left to live for and what little I am clinging to is quickly slipping from my grasp.

Put me in a pine box. Burn my useless body and scatter the ashes to the four winds.

Darkness is overtaking. The end is closer than anyone knows. At the edge. At the end.

No use to keep trying. No use to keep living.

Get it over and be done.

Standing on a precipice. Darkness swirls enveloping me, pushing me closer and closer to the point of being over the edge. Below a raging river awaits to dash my body against the rocky shards protruding from the under belly of life.

Maintain...but how. Stabilize...but how. Hold on...but how. Over the edge in no time at all. The events, the continuing turmoil, the daily upheavals all beckon me over the edge.

Constant pain. Depression grips harder. Dismay...disillusion...destruction is all I see. There is no hope, no glimmer, no lining made of silver. All there is for me is over the edge.

Disappointment each way I turn. Failure is a constant companion. Whom shall not be be better, relieved, be better off should I take the plunge over the edge?

Over the edge, nearly there. Over the edge, lost in despair.

May Day and youngest son, Kev, graduates from Vincennes University today. He has been studying computer programming and other related studies. I am very proud of Kev. Love you, Son. Wish you all the best.

A stormy night heralded the advent of May. April got in more than its last hurrah of showers as it bid adieu. Lightning and strong winds also accompanied the at times torrential downpours. The cornfields are quite soggy this morning.

Iohn has been hired by Rescare to work in a group home with mentally challenged individuals. The only stumbling block at the moment is he needs to get and provide his GED certificate before he can begin orientation and work.

For any readers taking advantage of cellular service from Ivy Cellular through Page Plus, remember that there will be a $5 rate increase for Unlimited Talk and Text effective May 18, 2010. All other plans and rates remain the same. Ivy Cellular will continue to offer a $40 UT&T plan through Simple Mobile, however.

Again, congratulations, Kevin Duane Ivy on achieving and accomplishing such a great honor! You will always be Number 1 in my book!