Inside My Mind

To say that 2010 started off with all bells and whistles would be far from accurate. As readers know, I have had a lot of not so fun times this month. Some of the issues have had some resolve. Others on hold. More curves have popped in the road as well.

Teeth issues are put off until later in spring to allow time to come up with the proper funding. Our Olds is sometimes great and at other times appears to be on its last leg. We bought another vehicle last week. Seemed like a great buy until driving back to the Den. The transmission went out.

Business is moving slowly upward. New clients are coming in for cellular and internet access. WiFi has hit a couple of bumps, but should be fully operational in the next week. We do have coverage over most of Dugger on the north side of State Road 54. This is more than half of the town.

Iohn continues his love/hate relationship with his job as a cook. But then most everyone has a similar experience with the work market.

Kev is in his last semester at Vincennes University. Wedding bells will be ringing in July.

Dave will be 31 in February. Dylan will turn 3 next Saturday.

Frankie and Tigger are our babies. Frankie prefers human company. Tigger has opted to spend half his time outside.

But with February on the horizon, optimism is still high here in the Den.

People see me every day. People pass me walking down the street. People meet me for the first time. The impression is always the same. People think I am healthy. They think I am not sick. They think there is nothing wrong with me.

I have become a master of ignore, the ability to mask and hide what is going on inside my head, my body. Reaction remains, "but you're not sick".

Back in 2000 when I was rushed to the hospital and admitted, there was no doubt from those who lived with me, some of my family, that something was wrong terribly wrong. But it didn't begin there. It begin when I was a child and progressed until it came to a head in 1995. At that time I was district manager for American Studios and later PCA International covering an area that included the majority of Pennsylvania and New York states.

I was traveling that morning cross the interstate from State College to Pittsburg. I was struck with what I thought at the time was a heart attack. I managed to make the next exit and pull off into the hospital emergency room. The staff was also sure I was having a heart attack. At the time I was 40. As it turned out, I was not having coronary problems.

Test upon test, scan upon scan at the Penn State Medical Center neurology department produced no conclusive diagnosis. But something was wrong. I took medical leave and returned to Indiana. By that time, I was showing signs of paralysis and stroke on the right side of my body. But again...I was not nor did I have a stroke.

It wasn't until months later after spending most of my time alone, in the dark of my house, a doctor of internal medicine was able to properly diagnose my affliction. I was one of the rare individuals that suffered from chronic classic cluster headaches. The malady only affects 3% of all those who experience what is also known as suicide headaches.

I have written previously of what all cluster headaches entail, their impact, the disruption in daily life. Search the Inside My Mind archive for more information or do a web search.

The nature of the conflict is what leaves people scratching their heads and proclaiming, "but you're not sick". If only they knew. Even Iohn living beside me day after day doesn't know the extent of what goes on and happens inside me each day that I manage to hide, ignore and cope.

When I was released from the hospital in May 2000, the doctors and staff submitted paperwork and application to the Social Security Administration declaring that I was 100% disabled. Filings for disability are routinely denied. The average determination resulting in approval of disability is 2 to 4 years. Application was made in May. Approval of my disability was in October. A four-month approval is virtually unheard of by those in the know.

To what extent my brand of illness is debilitating and what extent the damage, I can only imagine. If the rapid approval and declaration by the SSA that I am indeed 100% disabled is any indication, the severity of my affliction is hidden even from me.

People's doubts, the questions, the misunderstandings about me and my illness does nothing except to add to my distress in turn causing more injury. How can I change the perception? How can I get anyone to see or understand just how sick I am? How can I stop the repeated, "but you're not sick" from endlessly being voiced?

Again all I can do is what I have become a master at doing: ignore, mask, hide.

What a way to start off the first full week of the New Year! This has been one painful, nauseating, gut-wrenching week. It all began on Friday, January 1, 2010.

I woke up that day to a swollen jaw. Excruciating pain was searing through my body. But I ignored as I always do the pain. I began taking antibiotics. By Sunday morning, it had become worse. A dark red streak ran down my throat. A trip to the emergency room. Stronger antibiotics and pain pills.

For days no relief...until Thursday evening. A bubble inside my mouth erupted spewing venomous fluid. Part of the swelling went down. The fever that had kept me wanting to die along with the nausea broke. The pressure and tension oozed out with the infection.

Friday a trip to the dentist. A different antibiotic. By Saturday and now today, the remaining swelling has ebbed. Now just a trace remains.

That's how I kicked off 2010. And how was your first week in 2010?

First things first...Happy New Year to one and all. May 2010 be filled with joy and prosperity!

That said...I am starting off 2010 in a most uncomfortable and disheartening manner. I have been taken over by a chest cold of immense proportions as well my teeth are rebelling against me and are pitted in a mighty war with my lymphatic system. Neither bodes well.

Travel to the Indianapolis airport is on the agenda for today. Kev will be returning from his short sojourn in Texas visiting his future wife and family. Speaking of Hailey, she will be returning on the flight with him. Iohn and I are to pick up the couple around 4 this afternoon.

WiFi equipment has been shipped! Soon the northeast section of Dugger will be able to take advantage of wireless high speed internet access through Ivy ISP. Expansion to all of the cornfield is planned for 2010.

Iohn and I watched the ball drop last night at home with Frankie and Tigger. Although he worked until 9:30 p.m. we managed to be home for our New Year's celebration.

As we each reflect and plan in our own ways, let us be mindful who is the overall architect and keep Him in mind, seeking His advise, for this New Year.

Christmas 2009 is upon us. The cornfield is drenched in a late autumn rain. Chance for a snow is minimal to none. Spirits seem to be high. Denizens of the cornfield appear to show cheer as a way to spite the current, continued economic down-turn.

Last Saturday, we celebrated Christmas with oldest son, his wife and my adorable granddaughter in Indianapolis. Snow was spitting and there was some that was on the ground. So at least for our early Christmas it was white. Pictures from that day can be found in the Ivy Sprout Family Album. The only downside was that Dave, my oldest, was called in to work and was unable to share the day with us.

Today, Christmas Eve, is jammed packed. First there is lunch at Phil Jr.'s and Nikki's. Then around 2:30 today, Christmas will be shared between Kev, my youngest son, Iohn and I. Then it's on to my Mom's (also known as G) to celebrate Christmas with her, Bill, my sister Leticia, Chance and Jackalee.

Christmas Day will be a trip first to my Dad's to bring Christmas cheer to him and his wife Susie. From there Iohn and I will continue north to Danville IL to enjoy dinner and Christmas with Iohn's twin Nate and his other half Zack. Later that day will be the trip back to the Den.

Saturday night will have me running karaoke at the Sullivan American Legion Post 139 from 8 until 11 p.m. and perhaps later. Traditionally the day after Christmas is a packed house.

WiFi from Ivy ISP will roll out to welcome in the New Year 2010. Next week our antenna and equipment will arrive to allow for a January 1 launch.

In the midst of the hustle and bustle, let us remember the reason for the season. This is a time to pause and celebrate the birth of the Savior, Jesus Christ, our Lord. We share and give gifts to others in honor and celebration of God's greatest gift to humanity, Jesus.

From here in the Den, we wish all a Merry Christmas!