Inside My Mind

Seems all my life I have been cursed with a penchant for dry humor. Humor that is quite often not understood or misinterpreted. The humor is many times lost and comes across as sharp, cutting, abrasive. Other styles of joking come out lame, pretentious and out-right humorless when told or attempted by me.

I have been attempting lately to be more social, less introverted, less scared to mingle, be a part. Unfortunately I have been noticing the looks, the scowls, the overt disdain when I say or do what I find to be marred in humor in my efforts to fit in in world in which I don't fit.

From where I sit this morning in the den on a rather chilly morning in the cornfield, it appears my best option is to return to my hole. Keep my mouth shut except to say that which is necessary and responsive, but not conversation starter attempts. My insecurity and fears seem more and more justified as I have ventured into the social scene.

Questions rain down on my brain like a meteor shower plummeting to Earth. Am I, without trying, keeping Iohn from a full life? Is my presence placing limitations on his potential? Yes, I did not pursue him. I was not the one to make the moves or overtures. Yes, Iohn was the one that "chased" me. Iohn is the one who attached his cart to my horse, but am I being unfair by not opening the door and pushing him out into the world?

The sledge hammer cracking against my cerebral cortex is impossible to ignore today. The intensity of the pain is making it difficult to concentrate, difficult to be alive today.

Go on I must...but...the pain...

My new $39.95 cellular plan should be available some time this week. Keeping fingers crossed that this is the boon I need. The plan provides unlimited minutes and text. It also includes 20 MB of data for surfing the web and checking email. Picture text is not included.